This Wednesday, April 1st, 2009 from 9pm til midnight at Akbar, it’s CRAFTNIGHT!
Project: Neocon Crafts (Weapons of Mass Destruction)
$2 processing fee, please
My fellow patriots, now that we know that liberalism is a complete crock, and America is going down the toilet thanks to that dumb new president of ours, it’s time CraftNight stopped being so namby-pamby and listened to the wise and warm words of our dear leader, Rush Limbaugh. That’s right, it’s time to support reaching a stronger peace through use of force. It’s going to be off the hook as we exercise our 2nd amendment right to arm bears and protect the homeland, as well as get more comfortable with a forceful and breathtakingly ruthless interventionist-style method for international interests for when you travel! You got it, it’s “Sock Full of Pennies” night at CraftNight!
I’ll hand you a sock, we’ve got lots of colors and designs, and you can fill it with pennies, glass, dirt, ball-bearings, rocks, whatever you think will do the most damage! Embellish your sock with glitter glue, sparkles and other accoutrement, and fashion it into an instrument of persuasion that has the potential of thrashing the nearest commie-pinko-socialist weirdo into a senseless and decorative pulp! Keep it in your suitcase for when the government collapses and the onset of armageddon requires a quick getaway to your concrete bunker in the mountains! Don’t barter, just use your sock full of pennies and take what’s yours!
As an added special bonus treat, we’ll be spreading broken glass all over the floor (no shoes please) as part of our “willpower” series of hardcore training exercises for the upcoming occupation of foreign governments, when the stimulus package causes everything to implode. You’ll need to learn how to be tough, so we’re going to break you down and scoop you up and our love will become the invincible RNC army that you’ve always wanted. We’re teaching Craft-Maga, an elaborate hand-to-hand combat system that emphasizes threat neutralization and comprehensive glitter attacks. You will scramble and scale our home made obstacle course, and just in case you think it’s easy… we’ll release the pitbulls shortly after you begin the course, and we’re tying steaks under your armpits before the race, so think fast! Ha! Don’t you LOVE a challenge? The winner receives a gun rack for your Hummer, at 10 miles to the gallon, you’ll be riding in style, I hear they’re going for a heckuva price right now, a real steal!
If you make it through the obstacle course with minimal scratches and flesh wounds, we’ll give you a complimentary “Palin for President 2012” pin, and some NRA stickers with a special crafted cozy made of multi-colored yarn. After you’ve earned the right to be a part of the new Conservative CraftNight, we’ll show you how to make Neocon Noodle Crafts, of Michael Steele and Bobby Jindal!
If you’ve bothered to read this fAr, you’ll realize that CraftNight falls on a very sPecial holiday this APRIL FIRST! Which hoLiday is that? Well, Frankly, I’m nOt quite at liberty tO say here, but Let’s just say, if you get my drift, you might just expect more of the same in unexpected surprises at CraftNight this week! Anyway, I’m glad I saw through my bourgeois, hoi polloi, humdrum stupid progressivist outlook and became a renegade maverick republican with REAL values. Phew! Thought I was a goner there for a minute!
See you at the Craft Table,
JP Craft Captain
