Author Archives: craft captain

This Wednesday, April 8th, 2009 from 9pm to midnight at Akbar, it’s CRAFTNIGHT!!!
Project: Shoes & Swans
Suggested Dress Code: Too much or nothing at all

Are you kidding? This is NOT the week to take a break, you’re CRAZY if you think we’re letting you off the hook because we’ve got some mega BIRTHDAYS! Terry Lee Castillo, our fearless DJ of the Rock Steady Lounge on Mondays, this damningly handsome doorman and mother superior of Akbar himself celebrates another glorious year. And we’re asking YOU to wear a dress in his honor. Wear a dress, dammit, do you hear me? Stop whining, do you think I’m getting out of this? NO! WEAR A DRESS! Be it ugly, charming, skimpy, primpy, breathtaking or god-awful, Terry deserves the very best, so for the love o’ Mary, put the bass in your walk and BRING IT.
And then what? Craftnight Lieutenant, Cricket, is having her Quinciñera X2 this week, she comes of age and turns flirty thirty SAY WHAAAAT? You heard me. We’re decorating plastic swans and lil’ high heel shoes, and we’re going to be just outrageous about it, just try and stop us. In customary fashion, Cricket will most likely disrobe in phases throughout the evening, and would be much obliged if you would be so kind as to glue a few gems or other sparkly shapes to her person throughout the night. We’ll also have some body paint, in case you want to write her a message… anywhere you like!
We’re making cupcakes, so the cupcake tower will be in full effect, as will dancing, merrymaking, prancing, frolicking and just a rollicking good time is not to be missed by you, understand? Even if you are in here for just 10 minutes, why not make it ten minutes in a dress, have yourself a cupcake and gussy up a miniature high heel, shower our birthday superstars with hugs and kisses, and feel the Aries fabulousness permeate every chakra you’ve got, (along with the extra chakras you didn’t even know you had.)
See you at the Craft Table,
JP Craft Captain
ALSO: I shall be performing as Kenny Rogers alongside the lovely and talented vocalist, Monica Howe as Dolly Parton, and we’ll be singing for you a legendary duet from yesteryear at WIGOUT this Thursday! Don’t miss it! Wear a wig and save $2 on admission!
CraftNight Website
Akbar Website

This Wednesday, April 1st, 2009 from 9pm til midnight at Akbar, it’s CRAFTNIGHT!

Project: Neocon Crafts (Weapons of Mass Destruction)

$2 processing fee, please

My fellow patriots, now that we know that liberalism is a complete crock, and America is going down the toilet thanks to that dumb new president of ours, it’s time CraftNight stopped being so namby-pamby and listened to the wise and warm words of our dear leader, Rush Limbaugh.  That’s right, it’s time to support reaching a stronger peace through use of force. It’s going to be off the hook as we exercise our 2nd amendment right to arm bears and protect the homeland, as well as get more comfortable with a forceful and breathtakingly ruthless interventionist-style method for international interests for when you travel! You got it, it’s “Sock Full of Pennies” night at CraftNight!

I’ll hand you a sock, we’ve got lots of colors and designs, and you can fill it with pennies, glass, dirt, ball-bearings, rocks, whatever you think will do the most damage! Embellish your sock with glitter glue, sparkles and other accoutrement, and fashion it into an instrument of persuasion that has the potential of thrashing the nearest commie-pinko-socialist weirdo into a senseless and decorative pulp! Keep it in your suitcase for when the government collapses and the onset of armageddon requires a quick getaway to your concrete bunker in the mountains! Don’t barter, just use your sock full of pennies and take what’s yours!

As an added special bonus treat, we’ll be spreading broken glass all over the floor (no shoes please) as part of our “willpower” series of hardcore training exercises for the upcoming occupation of foreign governments, when the stimulus package causes everything to implode. You’ll need to learn how to be tough, so we’re going to break you down and scoop you up and our love will become the invincible RNC army that you’ve always wanted. We’re teaching Craft-Maga, an elaborate hand-to-hand combat system that emphasizes threat neutralization and comprehensive glitter attacks. You will scramble and scale our home made obstacle course, and just in case you think it’s easy… we’ll release the pitbulls shortly after you begin the course, and we’re tying steaks under your armpits before the race, so think fast! Ha! Don’t you LOVE a challenge? The winner receives a gun rack for your Hummer, at 10 miles to the gallon, you’ll be riding in style, I hear they’re going for a heckuva price right now, a real steal!

If you make it through the obstacle course with minimal scratches and flesh wounds, we’ll give you a complimentary “Palin for President 2012” pin, and some NRA stickers with a special crafted cozy made of multi-colored yarn. After you’ve earned the right to be a part of the new Conservative CraftNight, we’ll show you how to make Neocon Noodle Crafts, of Michael Steele and Bobby Jindal!

If you’ve bothered to read this fAr, you’ll realize that CraftNight falls on a very sPecial holiday this APRIL FIRST! Which hoLiday is that? Well, Frankly, I’m nOt quite at liberty tO say here, but Let’s just say, if you get my drift, you might just expect more of the same in unexpected surprises at CraftNight this week! Anyway, I’m glad I saw through my bourgeois, hoi polloi, humdrum stupid progressivist outlook and became a renegade maverick republican with REAL values. Phew! Thought I was a goner there for a minute!

See you at the Craft Table,

JP Craft Captain

CraftNight’s Site

Akbar’s Site

This Wednesday, March 25th, 2009 from 9pm ’til midnight (or so…) at Akbar, it’s CRAFTNIGHT!!!
Project: Mystery Paint-By-Number (a CraftNight Classic!)
$2 processing fee, please
News Flash: CraftNight Website Updated!

Relax. Boogie. Have yourself a good time, it’s CRAFTNIGHT!
Weren’t you just thinking it was about time you sat down to enjoy the correspondence of viva voce over a cocktail with a great deal of noise and a great deal of nonsense? Would you like some company? Would you like to chat and be chatted at, talking and sharing ideas and stories with friends old and new? I dare stay, step into my office, we’re all crammed in here awaiting your arrival!
Walk into a world that praises the process and not the result!
This evening’s leisurely discourse takes the form of the timeless paint-by-number. Hailed as the non-painter’s art emancipator, paint-by-numbers make every shy and careful novice a bona fide Rembrandt. I shall take prepared canvasses, cut ’em up and hand them out randomly, and I’ll switch all the numbers on the paint pots. Voila: instant abstract art! What’s more, you can wander around the room, wondering what part of a whole you have painted, and can match it up with a fellow crafter’s efforts, to see if you can piece together the original painting!
Hit the button on the tivo and walk out the door, shimmy over to Akbar, ask Mikey for your libation of choice, unburden your heart and join us in the crafty rumpus room for information, art, wine, song, entertainment and anecdote.
See you at the Craft Table!
JP Craft Captain

CraftNight’s Website

Akbar’s Website

This Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 from 9pm until 12am at Akbar, it’s CRAFTNIGHT!!!
Project: Foamy-Felty-Frames!
$2 processing fee, please

When all else fails, play with colorful foam shapes, that’s what we say at CraftNight. These are smallish and rather adorable foam or felt frames, you stitch them together and then decorate them as you see fit. Bring a photo to put inside, you’ll be tickled at how miraculous your personalized frame looks around your photo, it makes a huge difference. It also makes a fabulous gift, and who doesn’t like fabulous gifts?
See you at the craft table,
JP Craft Captain
CraftNight’s website
Akbar’s website

PS- Art Auction this weekend! I made a piece for it, go bid, raise money for puppets! Puppets love you!

This Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 from 9pm-ish until midnight or possibly later, at Akbar, it’s CRAFTNIGHT!!!

Project: LEGUME MANIA

$2 Processing fee, please

Come one, come all, be alive with BEANS! We’re making mosaics with small dried gifts from the earth! Isn’t that terribly exciting?!? I can’t stand it. One time, my friend, Kendra, made this AMAZING portrait of me using dried lentils, fava beans, black-eyed susans, pintos and more, and it’s on my wall in my studio. It’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever been given. The feeling of being immortalized in beans is so fabulous, I want everyone to have the opportunity. So come in and make dreams a reality!

If you’re not into making portraits, why not just spell things with beans? Cover a wooden box, make a noise shaker, I don’t know, it’s beans, I’m sure you can think of something. I’ll have beans (of course), and glue, and sparkles and FUN! Yeeeee Haw! Long live BEANS!

See you at the Craft Table,

JP Craft Captain

CraftNight’s Site

Akbar’s Site